Thursday, February 2, 2017

The Rack is Back!


Yep....The Rack is Back: I'm rocking the Victoria Secret with two, count them, two, fully-equipped factory-built mammo's with all the accessories!

Monday's surgery was a tremendous success, involving a creative bit of belly-fat-lipo, to fill in the hollows of the planned silicone boob, by a true artist of a surgeon. Without too much gory detail, I now have the tits and the belly of a 19 year-old. A true-two-fer! The only downside is feeling like I've done 999 sit-up's, but with each twinge, I consider the sheer luck at my vain gloriousness outcome of this whole cancer adventure. I know so well, that others have not had such a merry chase!

I have learned that I don't really care for the poisonous gases of general anesthetic, and any disruption in my precious bodily fluids (Dr. Strangelove reference) sends me reeling. But my anesthesiologist, was most accommodating in recognizing that I was a cheap date in sleeping with him. I got the basic package, but  was still largely unconscious for another 4 hours after surgery, as well. Luckily I finally awoke, albeit bruised, mostly naked, wearing the same open-backed hospital gown, in which I had started.....it looked like a crime scene, but the results are so good, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

I'm planning on laying low until Valentine's Day, or so, but am certainly endeavoring to maintain my cyber presence. When I told my husband that this blog was entitled "The Rack is Back," he turned to me and said "Half-Rack." Touché.
 
BTW, That's not my picture above............but the one below is (if you kind of squint and close one eye, and think very kind thoughts)!
 

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Dumber Than I Look....


I'm not sure I should come clean with this, but I'm really not that bright. This is probably not news to a lot of you. When in doubt, I fake it: I tend to nod and smile, and somehow, it comes off as confident intelligence to the masses.

I do have skills: I'm reasonably competent with saving lives and fighting disease in the ED, I make an awesome cheesecake, and I can certainly turn a phrase, but I'm a little out of my depth with the whole cancer thing. 

Right after the first surgery, I noticed the boob was a tad yellowish, and thought, "Hmmm...a little residual Betadine. I'll just scrub that off." After some painful and completely ineffective towel-work, I realized it was just big-time bruising that was some days old! Dumb!

When speaking the Doctor about future preventative care, I said, "And I shouldn't get this boob mammogramed, as it could rupture the silicone, right?" She looked at me rather puzzled and said, "No, you shouldn't get that one mammogramed because there's no tissue left in it." Dumber!

I completely lost all credibility with her then, when I followed it by saying, "Your instructions said that I'm not supposed to be driving for up to 2 weeks. That's to make sure everything stays in place?" To which the doctor replied, "No, you can drive as soon as you want, nothing is going to slip out of place. It's just that you'll probably still be taking narcotics, and because of that, you shouldn't be driving." Dumber too!


Saturday, January 14, 2017

An Uncertain Future


I'm anxiously awaiting the final act of this "potentially-deadly-illness" nonsense: the switch-out of my water balloon place-holder, with a custom gently-sloped silicone youth-evoking  handful...just 2 weeks away on January 30 (stay tuned). During my pre-op visit, the surgeon reminded me that this nip-and-tuck will be only a temporary state of perfection, and require replacement in 10 or 15 YEARS! Yeah...right....I'm 56 years-old, so that means when I'm freaking 70 years-old, or so, I may be going through this whole business again.
I'm already aware of the limitations of my age. I can't get a tortoise, or a macaw, or even a koi, as they will out-live me, and I'll have to account for their future well-being in my will. When Hubby and I talk about a new house, the thought of a 30-year mortgage makes me laugh. And even though I always wanted to go to medical school, dropping dead at graduation would certainly put a damper on the celebration.
I used to think that seeing the year 1984, was a milestone. Then, later, watching the calendar turn to 2000 seemed as far into the future as I could imagine. But now, (have you noticed?), it's 2017 and although the world is officially going to hell in a hand basket, I'm still kind of surprised to be here, watching it all play out.  Aren't you?

By Any Other Name....


In another world, I would have been a wise-cracking broad in a Damon Runyon story: the hard-boiled gimlet-eyed tomato who cuts through the bull and calls a spade a spade! I love  slang: I delight in speaking in a colorful vernacular...which brings to mind, just how many words do you know for boobs?

I confess I've pilfered this from another site (with thanks to The Urban Dictionary), but it surpasses any expanse of my imagination....and certainly, my vocabulary!

Tits, titties, tig ol' bitties, boobs, jugs, melons, cans, hooters, dirty pillows, gazongas, yabbos, tig bitties, knockers, mammaries, fun bags, honkers, headlights, baps, meat puppets, ta-tas, naturals, boobies, guns, bahama mammas, balloons, bawagos, big brown eyes, blinkers, bobambas, bodacious tatas, bombs, bosom, bosooms, boulders, Bristols, brown suckies, bubatoes, bups, bust, busts, Cadillac bumper bullets, casabas, chest, chuberteens, cones, gedoinkers, doorknobs, floppers, fried eggs, fugis, gams, gazangas, jungle tits, golden bazoos, golden winnebagoes, mounds, mountains, marshmallows, Maguffies, grenadoes, hogans, honkers, itty-bitty-titties, jalobes, bazongoes, bazookas, bazooms, bazoos, ninnies, nips, nupies, pair, nice pair, penis squeezers, beamers, starter buttons, tads, handles, tatas, tittyboppers, bee stings, jiggers, jobes, rolling hills, cup cakes, cushions, dairy section, highbeams, hinyackas, knobs, love apples, love monkeys, luscious scoops of flesh, twins, love warts, watermellons, wazoos, whoppers, winnebagos, yabos, mambas, mammas, mamms, massive mammaries, mazabas, mellons, milk factories, Mcguffies, mosquito bites,perkies, pillows, pimples, pink chewies, rack, set, smosabs, stacked, torpedoes, towel racks.

Beat that.